


i'm slipping (into the deep end)

by Authors_Restraint



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, Political Jon, Sacrificial!Jon, bc that scene between him and d made me so mad, not really but he's thinking about it, this story is really sad okay?, tw: attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Authors_Restraint/pseuds/Authors_Restraint
Summary: what happens after dany leaves jon's bedroom in 8x04//: because the j/nerys relationship is fucking abusive and toxic and it's time someone called it out; jon is very depressed





	i'm slipping (into the deep end)

**Author's Note:**

> so wow, hey guys. i know i was supposed to post my smut chapter for 'almost is never enough' but i've been feeling way too uninspired these days to do it. 
> 
> now onto sunday's episode:  
> it was a clusterfuck of things. i was SO CLOSE to cancelling jon like you wouldn't believe. thanks to the meta geniuses in the jonsa fam and rewatching the scenes, all i feel now is a great sense of pity and sadness for my boy. at this point tbh, all i want is for him and sansa to be happy and alive. for them and the starks to thrive. fuck everyone else honestly.
> 
> d&d are honestly pissing me off tho with their constant blocking of jon's pov, and the stark pov and being half-hearted with dark!dany. i won't even go into them killing off their only woc to further dracarys' narrative bc then i'll get mad as fuck all over again.
> 
> but sansa...SANSA! we stan a queen. AND HOLY FUCK CAN YOU BELIEVE WE GOT CONFIRMATION THAT SHE'S IN LOVE WITH JON IN THIS EP?????? i mean i always knew she was but...DAMNNNNNN
> 
> so yeah, this was a little thing i did on work today. not gonna lie, almost brought myself to tears with this. GUYS I REALLY LOVE JON OKAY? he's my fave character and i really need d&d to kill that toxic relationship he's trapped in bc it's just making things worse.
> 
> ENJOY AND HAPPY SUFFERING

“ _You are my queen. Nothing will change that. And they are my family. We_ can _live together.”_

 

“ _We can. I've just told you how.”_

 

Jon's hand shakes as he unties the laces of his doublet, nothing on his mind but to get the thing off ( _get it off get it off get it_ _off_ now).

 

He fumbles and curses, inebriation, disgust and fear making his movements uncoordinated. His fingers feel big and heavy. The air feels thick.

 

His heart's racing and he feels as if he's about to choke on his own breath. It's hot, oh so fucking hot and Jon needs to-

 

The fucking doublet finally comes off.

 

He rips off his tunic, baring his scarred chest (ugly, he's so ugly and disgusting and gods help him how does anyone bear to look at him when the day comes?; Targaryen masquerading himself as a Stark bastard when he's not) to the frigid air. Is it cold though? Jon can't tell. He's sweating. He wonders if it's that cursed dragon blood coursing through his veins.

 

That cursed blood that poisoned and killed his mother. That cursed blood that caused him to fall for his own  _sister_ . That cursed blood that allows him to kiss his own aunt, that allows him to feel like he enjoys it (he doesn't, he  _doesn't_ ) and pretend like her presence doesn't terrify him.

 

He rips off his breeches and growls when it gets caught on his boots. He kicks them, throws his pants to the floor and rips off his small-clothes. For a moment he registers that his door is still unlocked. He ignores it. He wraps both arms around his scarred and battered stomach, trying to quell the uncomfortable churn.

 

Jon presses his lips together to hold back the bile, but then his body betrays him. Stumbling over to the chamber pot, he falls to his knees and empties his stomach in large bouts. Sweat drips down his forehead and chills roll up and down his spine.

 

He doesn't stop. He keeps going. He keeps going until his heaves are full only of air, and until his throat is hoarse.

 

He sees his bathtub in the corner, the water no doubt ice cold by now. Pushing himself up onto all fours, he crawls to the tub. Jon braces a hand against the hard metal and tests the water. It's cold. Cold enough to numb.

 

He hauls himself up and drops into the tub unceremoniously, water splashing over the sides. It's ice cold but that's alright with Jon. Looking to the side, he grabs the soap and washcloth. He scrubs himself. _Hard_. He scrubs and scrubs until his skin is pink and until he can't feel his fingers anymore. Scrubs until her touch and scent is gone from his skin.

 

Gods, he's disgusting. Disgusting and pathetic. _Y'know nothin' Jon Snow._ He'll never be rid of her. He's a fool to try and convince himself otherwise.

 

Snarling loudly, Jon pulls at his hair till it comes loose and falls around his shoulders. The cold numbs his bones but his heart still pumps harder and harder and harder and-

 

He clutches his chest and throws back his head. Fuck, the air's tight and he can't, he can't – he can't fucking  _breathe._

 

_Get yourself together, Snow._

 

I'm trying.

 

Gods, it'd been going well enough at the feast. He'd been able to relax for a little bit. Laugh with his friends. See Sansa smile again. Gods, she was radiant tonight. Her dress glittered in the candlelight like the midnight sky he'd been so accustomed to seeing at the Wall. To see her so relaxed amongst the rowdy drunk Free Folk had been so...

 

It had been so long. It  _has_ been so long since he's sat and talked with her. Gods, he'd wanted to tell her everything. She deserves the truth.

 

“ _Even if the truth destroys us?”_

 

Tears pool in his eyes then run down his cheeks. This is what it's come to.

 

“ _Sansa will want to see me gone. And you on the Iron Throne.”_

 

Would that that would've been the first time Sansa's name came from her lips in derision.

 

“ _Your sister doesn't like me.”_

“ _If she can't respect me...”_

What do dragons eat?

“ _Whatever they want.”_

 

Jon turns his head and spews vomit onto the floor. His bones are tired. They're nowhere as tired as his soul. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

 

The room's begun to feel smaller, the vice around his chest becomes tighter and his vision becomes dimmer. He knows something's wrong. His legs slump and his head slides down. He fumbles to grasp onto the lip of the tub but he's been sat in ice cold water for quite some time. His body's numb.

 

He's so tired. Just so  _tired_ . 

 

He tries to get up again but fumbles and flails. His chest tightens, all the while he slips further and further. A part of him wants to let it happen. He wants it. He  _does_ . If it's the price he has to pay to get away from  _her_ , he will.

 

_And then what happens to your people? To the North?_

 

_To_ Sansa _?_

 

The water reaches his nose and Jon tries to rise, tries to grab onto the tub but he can't. Gods, he  _can't_ . He wants to die. He does. But not like this. Not while she's still here in his home.

 

He tries to open his mouth to scream but all he hears is gargling.

 

Jon's head slips below the water.

 

He doesn't hear anything again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> come hang out tumblr: @mycrazyfangirl21


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